"Reality Check"
(pre-emancipation)

So, you're getting ready to emancipate soon. I bet you can't wait. I know I couldn't. From the day I was placed in the system I was counting down the days until I would be free. Free to come and go as I pleased, to wake up and go to bed when I wanted or needed to, to eat when and what I wanted to, and to be able to spend time with my family and friends when I wanted to, not when my social worker and group home felt it was convenient for them. Well, on January 29th, 2001 I was granted that freedom I had been wishing for when I moved into my Transitional Housing Program. With that freedom came a huge dose of responsibility and reality that I was not ready for though.

I now vividly remember being a child and telling my mom during our numerous fights that I couldn't wait to become an adult so that I could make my own rules and do what I wanted. Every time, she would tell me that I would have that freedom as an adult but that that freedom came with so many responsibilities, that it wasn't as much of a "freedom" as I had built it up to be. I never understood how that could be true. So I would have to pay a few bills and go to work. Who cares? All the fun and excitement of being grown and out on my own would be worth it. Well, I've been out on my own for almost 2 years now and her words are ringing in my ears. I can now fully grasp the reality and depth of her experienced words.

I know that you will not fully heed my warnings or hear what I am about to say because I wouldn't/couldn't hear the countless number of people that tried to warn me, but please hear me out. Yes, emancipation is an exciting time in your life. For the first year it was filled with everything I was looking forward to for me: parties, friends, going to bed and waking up whenever I wanted, eating and cleaning when I felt like it, and going wherever I wanted whenever I wanted. The consequences of all of that were devastating though. All of the things I mentioned above are fairly harmless when done within reason, but I made the cardinal mistake of all newly emancipated foster youth: I did them all to an extreme. You see, we were like caged birds in foster care. Never allowed to go anywhere or do anything, so when you emancipate, without even realizing it, you do everything you couldn't do before to an extreme.

For 90% of the girls I knew, this meant becoming pregnant. In the system they were never allowed to date or to see their boyfriends, so upon moving out, that's all they could think about or do. Seven out of 10 of my female friends became pregnant within 6 months of their emancipation. For me, it didn't include pregnancy, but it did include a year filled with devastation and me constantly falling on my face. Yeah, I had tons of great parties at my pad, but I also got many things broken in my house, relapsed in my drug addiction, and had many of my possessions stolen by the people I called "friends". I went to bed and woke up whenever I wanted, but I couldn't keep down a job because I could never get myself out of bed on time. I ate whatever I wanted, but also got sick constantly because I was too lazy and didn't know how to cook a decent meal for myself. And yeah, I went wherever I wanted whenever I wanted (including with people I just met if I had nothing better to do and thought it would be fun), but that got me raped, stranded a few times, and in trouble with work when I would ditch, among other things.

I don't want to ruin your emancipation for you. It can and will be one of the most exciting and important times of your life. Just please learn from my mistakes. Don't have people over at your house that you don't trust with your life. You would be amazed at how many people want to be your friend once you have a place of your own, but don't fall for it. I let them in, knowing they were using me because I was so desperate to have people around me, but all it got me was being disrespected in my own home, having my personal belongings broken in drunken stupor's, and having my house broken into and my stuff stolen numerous times by the same people who claimed to be my friend.

Enjoy your new found freedom but don't abuse it. Learn some self-discipline from the beginning. I know it doesn't sound like fun, but I promise you will have to learn it eventually and it will be so much easier to start early rather than having to learn the hard way like I did. Don't make the mistake of thinking you still have someone/something to fall back on either. Too many times I made the mistake of not caring or thinking about the possible repercussions of something I was doing because I was so used to having my group home, social worker, or family to fall back on. Understand fully that once you emancipate, all consequences fall squarely on your head. If you get kicked out of your housing, there isn't another one ready to take you in, you're homeless. If you get in legal trouble, you aren't going to juvenile hall or having your social worker bail you out, you're in county jail. If you get into a car accident, no one will be there to pay for it or help you out; it's on you.

I know that most of this will probably go in one ear and out the other for you, but for those of you that heard this, don't let it discourage you. Adulthood is still amazing! I just want to help you learn from my mistakes so that you will be able to realize and experience just how amazing it is quicker than I ever did. Good luck to all of you.

"Hang in There"
(post emancipation)

I almost don't know what to say to you guys. I am pretty much in the same place that you are and am barely scraping by to make it through the daily struggles myself at this point. I can tell you one thing though, it will get better. I don't know how, and I can't tell you when, but if you just hold on and keep doing what you're supposed to be doing, it will get easier at some point.

I spent my whole life trying to be grown. I couldn't wait to become an adult and thought I was pretty darn good at it at a fairly young age. Now that everyone keeps telling me that I'm grown though and should be able to do this, and know that, I'm not so sure about all of this. I never expected that at the tender age of 19 I would have my own apartment that I'm fully responsible for, my own car, 2 kittens, a 40 hour a week full-time job with the county, and be enrolled in school full-time. I finally got everything that I wished for and now I don't want it. I never realized how hard being an adult really is.

I have no idea the extent of what any single one of you is currently dealing with. Whether it be: homelessness, being a single or young parent, or even just the daily struggles of being alone in this cold world way too soon. I do know how much I admire all of you though. Through all I have endured in my almost 2 years of emancipation, I would be lying if I said there weren't days that I didn't think I would make it to see the next day. Hell, there were, and still are, days that I don't want to see the next day. There is a huge respect in me for all of you who are surviving and continuing to put one foot in front of the other, despite all of the pain and challenges that life is throwing at you because I can honestly say, I know just how hard that can be sometimes.

The only advice that I have learned that I can give you (and I need to learn to do this myself!) is to not let your past or the present break you down. Instead, allow it to build you up into a solid force that cannot be reckoned with. We can't change our past, but we can shape and mold our future. I realized recently that even though the last year-and-a-half has been the most devastating and painful of my entire life, it has also taught me the most about life and who I am or who I want to become as a person. The experiences you are encountering right now, however hard or easy they might be, are shaping you and your character as we speak. Trust me, knowing all of this doesn't make the struggles or the low-points any easier, but if you realize just how important this time in your life is, maybe it will help you hold on just a little bit longer.

Never forget how strong and how amazing you are just to have made it this far. Most could have never even done that. Don't give up! Like I said, I still don't even know when or how, but I do know it does get better. I have also learned that enduring all of these challenges and struggles now gives us a head start on the rest of the world who goes through the same thing eventually, but is so set in life that they have no idea how to deal with it. I have always believed in the saying "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger." I figure, as long as we don't allow this to kill us, we will be the strongest people in the world later on, and, personally, I can't wait to help youth going through all of this 10 years from now when I have built up my solid frame. Hang in there!! You're going to make it!! And that is a promise you can bank on.